I couldn’t respond to that. I couldn’t do anything as he leaned in and kissed me hard and wet on the mouth. His tongue slipped in through my lips, and I found myself opening my mouth to let him in.
This was so terribly wrong and I knew I had to stop it.
It was wrong.
It shouldn’t happen.
It couldn’t happen.
But for that one second, I kissed him back. The feel of his tongue against mine was slick, hot, and electrifying, and every nerve in my body was on fire, like the sun above the mesquite.
I couldn’t remember the last time Javier had kissed me.
Just that thought made my heart knot up, bringing me back to reality. I put my hands on Esteban’s shoulders and pushed him back, breaking off the kiss.
I wouldn’t play this game with him.
I wouldn’t give in to my urges, the same urges he was preying on, trying to get me to break, to offer me affection and attention when I’d had none.
His gaze was just as intense as before and he was breathing heavily. “Don’t tell me that you didn’t want that. That you haven’t thought about it.” He took my hand and placed it on the crotch of his shorts so I could feel how thick and hard he was.
I felt dizzy, out of breath. The sun, the heat; it was too much.
I couldn’t let this happen.
I pulled my hand back and got to my feet, unsteady. “I have to go back.”
He got up too, grasping my wrist tightly so I couldn’t walk away without a fight.
“Let go or I’ll scream,” I said, wishing my voice didn’t sound broken.
“We both know no one will hear you,” he warned. “We also know that you won’t. Because I’m not doing anything wrong. And neither are you.”
“I’m married,” I said feebly.
I took my vows under oath, under god.
If I didn’t have my morals, what did I have at all?
“I know,” he said. “And is this what you want for the rest of your married life? The lonesome queen who pines in her castle for someone she can’t have — her husband? All while the king has his share of whoever he wants to fuck.”
The truth hurt. And it didn’t matter how many times I heard it, it still had that fatal sting, like the scorpions in the shadows.
But I couldn’t do this. I had to be good. I had to honor my vows. Without them, I had nothing. Someone had to believe in love.
I had to believe.
Even if I was a fool.
“I have to go,” I told him, but Esteban held tighter, till my wrist began to ache. Why were all the men around me so set on pain? Why did I always feel so powerless against them?
Why did they stir up trapped, dark feelings inside me, the ones I always wanted to bury?
“I wouldn’t go back if I were you,” he said, his look cautioning. “Not while Javier is occupied.”
The mention of his name made me flinch a little, and I wished I couldn’t still feel Esteban’s rough lips on mine, taste his sweat. So much guilt already for so little.
“I can handle it,” I told him. “Sadly, I’m used to torture.”
“Oh no, Luisa,” he said, tilting his head sympathetically. “He’s done with Evaristo for today. It’s the women …”
My throat felt like it was starting to close up. “Women? What women?”
“You didn’t see the cars pull in?” he asked, and when I shook my head he sighed. “I guess it was good you were out here, then.”
“What cars? From where?” I asked, alarmed.
“He had them brought in from Durango. Can’t have a proper finca without the putas for everyone. Especially your husband. Don’t take it too personally, though, I’m sure it’s no reflection on you.”
It was stupid and foolish to feel as devastated as I did, like my heart was being cut from my chest. I didn’t even know I had a heart left after everything already.
I looked away and Esteban tugged me toward him. “Hey,” he said softly, finally releasing my wrist and putting his hands on both sides of my face. It took everything I had not to break down. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. I didn’t think this would bother you anymore. But your heart, Luisa. You have such a good, big heart. And it breaks me to know you wasted it all on him.”
I couldn’t meet Esteban’s eyes. I didn’t want to see my reflection in them.
“Javier is patron now,” he said. “He’s got everything he wants. And what do you have? What do you deserve? I’ve seen him around you. I know you sleep in separate rooms. He won’t even touch you. It’s like you disgust him.”
“Esteban, please,” I cried out, feeling my eyes fill with tears. “I’m hurting enough.”
“I agree,” he said. “And it’s time to stop. Look at me.”
I couldn’t. I shook my head and the tears spilled.
“Look at me, Luisa.” The pressure on my face increased, and finally I let my blurry vision meet his intense stare. “Javier is a changed man and he’s not coming back. You’re stuck in this marriage with him for the rest of your life, chained to a monster. His pride is too big to let you go, and if you go anyway, you won’t last long.”
I didn’t want to believe any of that, but I knew it was true. I was sewn into this life now.
“And no other man is going to want to fuck you, to be with you, when you’re married to one of the most powerful and dangerous men in the country. No other man but me.”