I put my hands on Esteban’s firm ass and drove my nails in, wanting him in deeper, wanting the feeling to never end. I felt wild and free and righteous. I had been owed this. The sweat poured off him and onto me, soaking my dress, the sun high in the sky behind him, waiting to dry it off.
Somewhere in the distance I think I heard a rattlesnake, but there wasn’t even fear anymore. There was just this yearning that might never end, and I was lost, lost, lost in someone else as they were lost in me.
“Fuck,” Esteban grunted, and I felt him strain as he came. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
It was enough to set me off. I came hard, crying out a bunch of nonsense that seemed to soar up into the sky, feeling so much heat expand on me and in me. I was yanked into an undertow, not knowing which way was up and which way would have me drown.
I was so sated that I didn’t care if I drowned or not. I just lay there, bleeding and broken and bruised on the ground, while Esteban lay on top of me, sweat pooling between us. We both tried to catch our breath, the air dusty and dry and filling our lungs. I felt like my heart would never slow down.
Finally Esteban raised his head and peered at me, a sloppy smile on his face. He tucked my hair behind my ear and said, “You certainly don’t look like a queen right now.”
I couldn’t help but smile back. “Some queens like getting dirty.”
“Dirty queen,” he mused. “That’s you all right. But from now on, you’re my dirty queen. No one else’s.”
I swallowed hard, trying to figure out just what he was expecting. Was this not just a fuck, a heat of the moment thing? Or did Esteban expect this to continue? Was I to keep him as a lover just as Javier kept lovers of his own?
I wasn’t prepared to entertain that just yet. Not now, when my emotions were high and my intentions were running away on me.
And then the guilt hit me straight on like a freight train.
I panicked and quickly got to my feet, pulling down my dress and wiping off the dust. I tried to get myself looking normal, but the dirt clung to me, as did the pebbles which were nearly embedded in my skin. I couldn’t get it off, couldn’t get clean. My hands whacked all over my limbs.
“Hey,” Esteban said as he got to his feet. “Luisa.”
I kept wiping at myself and everything started to spin.
He reached out and grabbed my arms.
“I can’t get clean,” I said, my voice shaking. “I can’t get the dirt off.”
“Calm down,” he said. “Turn around, I’ll help you.”
I turned around, my eyes fixing on the bloodstained rock. What had I done? How would I explain the wound on my head? Javier would know, he’d know.
Este wiped down the back of me then said, “There. Some cuts and scrapes, but you can tell him you fell down, if he even notices.”
“He’ll notice,” I said. He’d see the guilt on my face, the guilt that was pouring over me like thick black tar. “Esteban, we can never, ever tell him. We can never tell him what we did.”
He zipped up his shorts and gave me a wry look. “You think he’d be hurt?”
I shook my head, even though I wasn’t quite sure. “He can’t know.”
“I know,” he said calmly. “If he knew, he would kill you.”
I swallowed, wondering if that was the truth. “He’d kill you too,” I pointed out.
But Esteban just smiled.
I reached behind my head and looked at the blood on my fingers.
He reached out and grabbed my hand, sticking my bloody fingers in his mouth. He slowly drew them out and said, “All clean. Shall we head back?”
Going back now sounded like the most dangerous prospect in the world. “I can’t,” I said. “I can’t.”
“You can, and you will. If he asks, if anyone asks, tell them you took a tumble.” He jerked his chin to the hill. “You go back first. I’ll follow later.”
I took in a deep breath and wished the pain inside me, that knot in my heart, would have stayed away after the sex. But it was back. “Okay.” I paused. “We won’t ever tell.”
“No, we won’t,” Esteban said. “Now go. And remember what I told you about him. Just go straight to your room and take a shower. It will be easier on you that way.”
I nodded, staring at him for a moment before I turned and headed up the hill. It took me a while to head back to the ranch house, but then again it felt like I was sleepwalking or in a dream.
I couldn’t believe what had just happened. How weak I had been to commit adultery, and with Esteban no less. How foolish and stupid I was to take such a dumb chance. I had a good life. Maybe I didn’t have love anymore, or sex without having to practically beg for it, and maybe my husband was a totally different person. But I had money and security.
But it was amazing how little money and security mattered in the long run when your own heart wasn’t being loved.
I had no illusions about Esteban loving me. I knew he didn’t. I knew that he might hold some affection for me and that perhaps his attraction to me was based more on one-upping Javier, having what he had, that envy he felt for his boss.
I also had no illusions about loving Esteban. I didn’t. I didn’t even know if I liked him. But he had been there out in the desert, and he knew what I had needed before I did.
The fact was, I still loved Javier even though it was futile and painful to do so. I was also sure that a part of my own heart was breaking over what I had just done. But despite that, I also knew that I would eventually come to terms with it. And one day I’d be forced to make another choice: to make peace with my life the way it was.