“No.” I spoke softly, unable to handle this.
“Yes,” he said. “It is the truth. And I know the truth doesn’t mean much from me. But …” He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine, “I want it to matter. I want to start over. All of this, all of us. Will you do that with me? Will you love me again?”
My heart shattered beautifully, shards flying everywhere inside, landing soft, and I was filled with nothing but warmth.
I ran my hands through his thick, soft hair. “Of course I will. I never stopped, Javier. It didn’t matter what you did. I tried, but I couldn’t. You’re embedded in my skin.”
“And you’re embedded in mine,” he said. “Deeper than you will ever know.”
At that, he moved his hips, pushing himself deeper inside. I welcomed him with a greedy groan.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Luisa
The next morning I woke up in Javier’s bed. I was alone — I had prepared myself for that. But the space next to me was still warm and I could hear his shower running.
I sighed happily and rolled over as the bright sunshine streamed in through the deep-set windows. Everything looked white-washed and clean. I felt clean too, as if I’d been stripped of everything dark and toxic, and all that was left was a new me.
I knew it was naïve and wishful thinking but I didn’t care. I needed to cling to the belief that we could start fresh, start anew. I needed to believe that our love was strong enough to survive anything.
The shower turned off and Javier strode out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, his athletic and toned upper body showcased in the morning glow. He gave me a quick smile as he walked over to the closet, completely in business mode.
It was his demeanor that reminded me of exactly what was going on and what was at stake. Last night may have been everything I’d needed and wanted, and it could have been the same for him. But he was a man with a job to do and that was the kind of thing that couldn’t take a backseat.
“Big day?” I commented. I realized I was just trying to make conversation, and that in turn made me see that despite everything that had happened, nothing was back to normal.
“It is,” he said, slipping on a black dress shirt and facing the mirror. “Another day of fixing up our federale, if you don’t mind so much.”
I shook my head. “It’s fine. I kind of like him.”
“Well, don’t get too attached,” he warned. “Tomorrow he’s out of here.”
“What exactly do you plan on doing with him?”
He shrugged. “Not sure yet. We’ll play it by ear. Diego thinks that we should kick him out of the chopper in the middle of the desert. I’m more inclined to get Juanito or someone to drop him off in Monterey. The city has always been so neutral anyway.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out,” I said, running my hands over the soft sheets.
“I’ve got that figured out,” he said as he pulled on white linen pants. Always commando. “What I’ve really got to focus on is what to do with the intel on Hernandez. We can’t screw this up. We get one shot to get him, and anything after that we are fucked right up the ass.”
I nodded, feeling privileged to be let in on this information again, feeling a part of his life, like a true partner. “Well, other than making sure Evaristo is comfortable, whatever you need from me, just ask.”
He smiled at me in the mirror’s reflection. “I’m glad you asked that. Because there is something I would like to ask you.”
“Yeah?”
“And Esteban.”
My blood turned to ice. My lungs froze right over.
Oh fuck.
“Oh?” I said, and Javier slowly walked over to me as he slipped on a belt through the loops on his pants.
“Yeah. I would like to ask something of the two of you.”
I plastered the fakest damn smile on my face. “What is it?”
He smiled right back but I couldn’t be sure if it was fake or malicious, or what it was. I was so paranoid that my heart was threatening to fly right out of my chest.
He knows. He knows. He had to know.
“It’s something that can wait for now,” Javier said, putting his hand on my shoulder. He leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips. I had to force my body to break the freeze and kiss him back as I normally would.
I wondered if he could taste the fear on me.
“I’ve got a busy day,” he said, turning around and walking back to his dresser to slip on his watch. “I think I’m going to head with Diego to La Perla or maybe Durango and see if we can get some work done. It’s better to do the work in the car and pilfer someone’s wifi. It won’t leave a trace, just in case our systems are being watched.”
I nodded absently. “Is that possible?” I asked, just wanting him to keep talking.
“Anything is possible, my queen,” he said, shooting me a wicked smile. “You should know that more than anyone.”
I couldn’t swallow the brick in my throat. I smiled again and slowly got out of bed. “I should get dressed,” I said, willing my voice to remain steady.
“I’ll see you later. Bring Esteban back here around nine tonight,” he said before he strode out the door and into the hall, closing it behind him and barking at Diego who must have been outside.
Oh shit.
SHIT.
What the hell did this mean?