This was the kind of shit I thought about, the kind of shit that had been keeping me up at night all week, as I tried to work through what I could do to help Meia.
But I was grateful for it. It was a hell of a lot better than thinking about what a shit father I had been and how it was my fault my wife was dead.
"Hammer," Skunk said. "We've been friends a long time. I've seen you crazy before. What the fuck kind of private shit is this?"
"It's nothing," I said.
"Don't look like nothing," Skunk said. "Definitely looks like something."
"I'm looking for someone, okay? Christ, leave it the fuck alone."
Skunk peered closer at one of the pins on the wall. One of twenty-three. Each pin marked a possible location where Meia's son might be held, based on what I'd gathered on Aston. Possible, shit. There were an infinite number of possible locations. I didn't know why I'd thought hacking Aston would magically give me a location for Ben.
I'd promised something to Meia, and I was severely doubting my ability to deliver on that promise. And if I couldn't....I didn't want to think about what she was going through, knowing her son was in Aston's hands. What she had been going through for years, being forced to be with the monster who had taken him. If Ben was killed...well, fuck, I knew how it felt to have the one thing you loved taken from you, and to feel like it was your own damn fault.
It would fucking destroy her.
"Does this have to do with April?" Skunk asked.
I felt my fists clenched by my side. "Not a fucking thing," I said. "I'm trying to help someone."
Skunk looked at me, disbelief etched on his face. He thought I was close to putting tin foil on the windows and ranting about how I'd figured out who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. I could see it in his eyes. "Fuck, man, I don't know," he said, shaking his head.
"Why the hell are you here, Skunk?"
"Want to see if you want to get in a fight next Saturday," Skunk said. "If you're feeling up to it." He nodded at me, referring to whether or not I'd healed from the last fight, but I saw him glance at the wall and knew he was really talking about whether I was a paranoid wing nut who needed a straightjacket.
"Yeah," I said. "What the hell? I'll do it." I agreed, but I wasn't sure I was feeling it. I was starting to feel like I'd lost the drive to fight, at least in that sense.
I looked past Skunk to the map on the wall. Especially since I was going to need a lot of fight in me to find Ben.
I opened the door, and her eyes lit up, brightening her face. It was so different from the first few times I'd seen her. There was a glimmer of something there now. Happiness? Hope? I wasn't sure.
"You were careful, coming here?" she asked, walking straight toward me and collapsing against my chest. I felt my pulse start to slow as I held her her, calming down from the fear she wouldn't show up. All week, she'd been walking at night while she talked to me on her throwaway cell phone, while she stole moments away from the reach of Aston. She thought I was at home, and I didn't disabuse her of that notion. But I wasn't. I was following her, keeping my distance, making sure she wasn't being tracked by Aston's men. Once, I saw them, tailing her for a few minutes, but they turned back as she walked in her workout clothes, assuming that's all she was doing. Aston seemed fairly unconcerned about Meia's whereabouts, I supposed since he had the ultimate form of coercion in her son.
He hadn't called for Meia since we'd met. Since before we'd met. I assumed the last time had been the time he left the bruise under her eye, the one that was nearly completely faded now, entirely covered by the makeup she wore.
I knew he would call for her again, and the thought of it made my blood boil. I knew she had no choice in the matter. I knew she hated him. But the thought of his hands on her, touching her like he owned her...I couldn't fucking tolerate the thought of it.
"I was careful," I said. "Aston hasn't asked for you?"
She shook her head. "Hammer," she said. "You know he will. And there's nothing I can do to change that fact."
"The thought of him touching you..." I was too angry to speak, my voice trailing off into nothing.
"Hey. You're hurting me." Meia wriggled under my grasp, and I became aware of how tightly I was holding onto her shoulders.
"Shit, Meia." I immediately let go of her, and she stepped back. "Fuck, I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry."
"I don't know, Hammer," she said, glancing at the door. "I don't think this is such a good idea, you and I."
"Fuck. Meia, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. It's not who I am."
She smiled, but the expression was grim. "You forget, I've seen you lose control before. I've seen you beat a man into the ground."
"It was a fight. In the ring," I protested, a gnawing feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.
"Yes, but you weren't in control then," she said. "Do you think you're in control now?"