Eve was deeply aware of how fragile her own soul was.
“I want pancakes.” Avery set down the menu she’d been studying.
“You always want pancakes, girl. Ya never try anything else. Why do you waste your time looking at the menu?” Liam’s voice was gruff, but his eyes were lit with laughter. He loved his wife. The connection between them was a palpable thing. Li winked Eve’s way as he set down his own menu. “What about you, love? Are you trying something different?”
She never tried anything different. “No. I’ll stick with what I know.”
Half a grapefruit, two scrambled egg whites, whole-wheat toast, no butter. No indulgences for Eve St. James. Discipline. It was what her life had become. And now she could fit into those designer dresses that had been out of reach all those years ago because Alex liked to stuff her with chocolate and rich foods. He used to order in from the most decadent of restaurants and feed her while she sat in his lap and they cuddled.
“Order for me, will you?” Liam was pulling out his phone, checking the screen. “I have to take this. And for god’s sake, woman, order your own bacon this time. You always say you won’t eat it and then you steal mine.”
He brushed his lips across his wife’s as he scooted from the booth.
The waitress chose that moment to take the orders and refresh their coffee. When she was gone, Eve forced a smile on her face. Coffee. Her only real indulgence, well, besides all the BDSM and the soulless sex.
“How are you feeling?”
Avery smiled. “Good. This is actually a far easier pregnancy than my Maddie.”
Eve froze. Madison. Avery’s child. The one who died.
Avery’s hand came out, covering Eve’s. “It’s all right.”
That summed up Avery to a T. Avery had lost a child and she reached out to comfort Eve. Eve pulled back, reaching for her coffee mug. “I’m sorry. I’m always a little shocked that you can speak about her so easily.”
Loss was something to be hidden. God, she was glad she wasn’t her own patient.
Avery just gave her a gentle smile. “I miss my baby every day, but it would be wrong to pretend she didn’t exist. Do you know what Liam gave me as a housewarming gift when we bought our place here?”
She hadn’t been to their big house in North Dallas. She hated that part of town because it reminded her so much of the sleepy, upscale Virginia neighborhood she and Alex had moved into once they could afford it. Those houses were all lovely, with signs of life and children on every lawn. An overturned bike here, a massive fort there, a man washing his prized car in the driveway.
Her apartment was sterile. Lovely, but sterile. Rather like herself.
She shook her head. “No, but I suspect it wasn’t a houseplant.”
Avery’s eyes teared up. “He had a painter do a portrait of Madison from her baby pictures. Of Maddie and Brandon. He put it up next to the pictures of us from our wedding. He said it was because they were a part of our family, and he never wanted this baby to forget that he or she had a big sister once. And I cry when I look at that picture. I do. I cry when I think how I lost Maddie and my first husband, but I would dishonor them if I tried to forget. They were a real part of who I was, of who I am today. So I’ll talk about her because she’s still here with me. I would hate it if she wasn’t. Sometimes pain can be sweet if we let it. It can remind us of all the good things. Just because something bad happened, it shouldn’t erase the sweetness that came before it. Maddie died. But that doesn’t mean I can’t remember how she smelled when I held her against me, how she’d cuddle her little head to my breast. Brandon died, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about how funny he was and how he asked me to marry him, but only after he’d thrown up because I told him I was pregnant.” Avery laughed, the sound bright and happy. “It was not the most romantic of proposals.”
Eve couldn’t help it. Avery could be infectious. It was why she’d come to deeply enjoy these mornings with them. She’d always found it easy to be around Liam, but it was a joy to be around Avery. Avery made her wonder why she’d stopped hanging out with girlfriends. She used to love her girls’ nights out. Now she always came up with an excuse not to join Grace and Serena. “He really threw up?”
Avery nodded. “Oh, yes. We were only eighteen, and we’d only had sex once and it hadn’t been that great. We’d kind of gone back to holding hands because he’d been so embarrassed about it. And then whoops goes the pregnancy test. He was a little surprised. How did Alex ask you?”
Without even thinking about it, Eve snorted a little at the memory. It was the day he’d placed a delicate collar around her throat. He’d snicked the lock into place and then boldly told her that he wasn’t satisfied with just a collar. He wanted her to wear his ring, too. “He didn’t ask, the bastard. He told me I would marry him. Doms.”
“Nice. So you two were in a D/s relationship before you got married?”
“Oh, Alex was born a Dom. We met in college and Ian had already introduced him to the lifestyle.” God. What was she doing? She was gabbing like a schoolgirl, like a woman who was still married, telling her girlfriends how they met. Eve clammed up. She wasn’t a girl and she wasn’t like Avery. She cleared her throat. “But that’s a boring story. Did you find out if the baby’s a boy or a girl yet?”
“We won’t know for another couple of weeks,” Avery said, her eyes focused on Eve as though she was trying to decide just how far to push. “But it doesn’t matter. We’ll be happy either way. I heard Serena’s having a boy.”
Jake and Adam had done nothing but talk about their future son. Everyone was moving on with their lives. It was just she and Alex and Ian who were stuck, and Ian couldn’t help it. He hadn’t found the right woman.
Eve knew she’d found the right man. Alex was still here. He was still in her bed some nights. She could reach for him, hold him tight.
Lately she’d been wondering if they shouldn’t try again. Lately the memories had started to fade and she found herself reaching for Alex again. She’d started remembering things fondly. Their wedding day. She’d found photos in a box in her closet, and she’d stared at them for the longest time, thinking how handsome he’d been. He didn’t smile in the pictures. No, not Alex McKay. He smirked in the sweetest way, those upturned lips a testament to how satisfied he’d been with the day. In the picture she’d finally placed on one of the bookcases in her office, Ian and Sean had been standing beside Alex, all three of them so arrogant she had to laugh.