"Well, I seem to remember you being pretty good at that in high school."
"I remember both of us being pretty good together," Cade said.
We were pretty good together. Were being the operative word.
We ate in silence, and then Cade finally spoke, his gaze focused on the bedspread, not looking at me. "Do you ever think about what it might have been like if you'd have stayed here?"
I swallowed hard. If my parents hadn't been killed? If my sister hadn't committed suicide?
I think about it every day.
But us? I stopped thinking about that a long time ago.
Until he walked up that driveway. Now I couldn't stop thinking about it.
"No," I said. Lying to him. "Do you?"
Cade didn't look at me. "No."
I watched the muscles in his jaw clench, saw him swallow.
I wasn't the only one lying.
Later that night, we laid in bed, me on my stomach, Cade stretched out on his back, his body perpendicular to mine, head resting on my ass while he looked at the ceiling. Bailey stretched out at the foot of the bed, content after she'd run around outside.
"I looked for you, for a long time," I said, finally honest. "After I joined the Navy."
"You did..." Cade's voice trailed off to nothing, more of a statement than a question.
"It was stupid, I know. Silly," I said. The words just kept coming, spilling out of my mouth of their own free will, like I had no control over what I was saying. "And it was so long after I'd left here, after med school and everything. It was dumb. I'd heard you were in the Marines and I kept watching for you. I had this weird idea I might just run into you somewhere, like I'd walk into the waiting room of the clinic and there you would be. When I was in Afghanistan, I thought I saw you once. I knew it wasn't you, but I hoped..."
"I thought the same," Cade said. His voice was quiet. Somber. "I kept track, you know. Talked to your aunt."
"She never said."
"No," Cade said. "I never thought she would." He paused. "I don't think she liked me keeping in touch, you know? I was this huge reminder of what happened."
"It's not like I could forget."
"None of us could, June," he said. "We all lost."
I laughed, the sound bitter. "You lost your girlfriend," I said. "Not your entire fucking family." It came out harsher than it sounded in my head, and I was sorry as soon as I said it. Still, I felt my body tense, and I squirmed underneath Cade, wanting to be rid of him, needing him to not touch me.
Cade sat up, and moved away from me. I didn't look at him as I sat back against the pillow, drawing my knees to my chest protectively. Who did he think he was, comparing my loss to his? I lost my family, and then him too. He had only lost me, a high school girlfriend.
That's it. It wasn't the same at all.
"Junebug," he said. "I didn't mean it that way. I wasn't saying that my losing you was the same thing as what happened to your family. You know I wasn't saying that."
I exhaled, wanting to be rid of the tension I felt rising within me. Why did I feel so on edge? "I know, Cade."
"Why did you join?" Cade asked, still not looking at me.
"The Navy?" I asked. "Not to follow you, if that's what you're thinking." I blurted it out. Why was I being such an asshole?
It wasn't even the truth. Cade might not have been the primary reason, but he was at the back of my mind. He'd always been in my thoughts. I couldn't really say I joined without ever thinking about the fact that Cade was a Marine, could I?
Cade let out a laugh, but it didn't sound happy. "Got it, June. That's not what I was thinking."
I tried to explain. "I meant, I wasn't stalking you."
"Understood." But he just sounded irritated now. And with good reason.
"I don't know why I joined, exactly," I said. "I wanted out. I went to undergrad, and then to medical school, and everything just kept following me. All the shit from my past, it trailed me wherever I went. Friends would ask about my family, that kind of thing. It got old, and I wanted something different. I wanted a new life."
"In the military," Cade said.
I shrugged, tracing my finger over the pattern on the bedspread, picking at the stitching that unraveled on a part of the embroidery. "Yeah, I mean, I could start over, travel, you know? Be someone new. And there was this guy..."
"Shit, June," Cade said. "I don't want to hear about some other fucking guy."
"Shut up," I said. "I don't mean it like that. I was in medical school, doing my rotations. We were a couple years into the war in Iraq, and I hadn't even thought about the military as an option. I was pulling ER duty, doing easy stuff for the docs, and we got this guy, an ex-Marine, double amputee. Tried to slit his wrists. Did a decent enough job of it too, lost a lot of blood, but his mom had shown up at his house for a surprise visit and found him. I was working at a civilian hospital, so I had never really seen any of the Marines come in, you know? We just happened to get him because we were the closest place."