“I didn’t go,” she said. “I couldn’t. I promised him—myself—that I wouldn’t go there anymore. It’s not how I want to remember him. I can’t go there anymore. It hurts too much.”
“You came here instead. Why?” he asked, dreading her response.
She lifted her gaze back to his, emotion smoldering in those beautiful eyes. Eyes that were drenched with moisture. Misery clouded the depths, and he swore viciously to himself, because this wasn’t what he wanted at all.
“Because I have to try,” she whispered. “I won’t know unless I—we—try.”
His insides caved in, relief overwhelming him. His knees wobbled and he had to steady himself so they didn’t both end up on the ground.
Then he hugged her to him, holding her, savoring her touch and smell. He pressed his lips to the top of her head and closed his eyes, giving silent thanks that she hadn’t bolted. That she had enough guts to give them a chance.
It was all he’d ever ask. If he could have this, he’d never ask for another single thing in his life.
“Joss, look at me, honey,” he said gently, putting enough distance between them so he could angle her head upward. So she met his gaze.
“If it makes you this unhappy, then you have to know I won’t ask it of you. I only want you to be happy. For us both to be happy. Preferably with one another.”
“I won’t know if you—this—will make me happy unless we try,” she said softly. She licked her lips, nervousness evident in her features. “I do want to try, Dash. But you have to promise to be patient with me. I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know how to act or react. I’m without a guidebook. This isn’t something I ever imagined happening.”
He caressed her cheek, wiping away the last traces of tears.
“We have all the time in the world, Joss. No rush. No impatience. Give me your trust. And your submission. I’ll do my very best to ensure you never regret it.”
Her expressive eyes gleamed with sudden light. Her pupils flared and he saw the stirrings of desire in the deep pools. Asking for her submission had fired her imagination. Had reminded her of all she wanted.
“What do we do now?” she whispered.
“For now, come inside. Let me make you a cup of coffee. There’s nothing more I’d love than to just sit with you awhile. We can talk. Just be. We’ll talk about us. Make a date. I want to take my time with this, Joss. It’s too important to rush. I’ve waited this long. I’ll wait a hell of a lot longer if I have to.”
“I’d like that,” she murmured, her eyes warming.
He saw her acceptance. Not only of what he proposed, but of the inevitability of them. As a couple. He watched closely for any signs of hesitation. Of fear or uncertainty. But her gaze remained steady until he was satisfied that this was truly what she wanted. A chance. His chance to have her.
He was nearly undone by the implications. Joss in his arms. In his bed. His.
“There are other things I need to discuss with you,” he said, reminded of his conversation just moments ago with Jensen.
She cocked her head to the side, evidently picking up on the change in his mood.
“What is it, Dash? Is something wrong?”
He tucked her hand into his and then guided her into his house.
“No, nothing’s wrong. Just something I want you to hear from me.”
She tensed but remained silent as he took her into the kitchen where the half pot of coffee remained from earlier.
He poured two cups and warmed them in the microwave before returning to her, handing her one of the mugs.
“Let’s go into the living room where we’ll be comfortable,” he urged.
When he had her settled on the couch, he took the armchair that was diagonal to the sofa, even though what he wanted most was her in his arms. Against him. Her body warming his.
He sipped idly at the coffee, wondering which of the two tasks he should tackle first. Cement their relationship? Or possibly crush her with the news that he was replacing Carson?
He winced, deciding to postpone the latter until after they’d discussed their relationship.
“I know this was a lot for you to take in, especially on the day of Carson’s death,” he began. “I need you to understand that I didn’t plan it that way, Joss. You forced my hand when I saw you at The House. Yes, I absolutely intended to make my move. Soon. But the anniversary of your husband’s death wasn’t when I wanted to begin this with you.”
“I understand,” she said quietly. “And I’m sorry, Dash. I don’t remember if I told you that or not. But I am. Sorry for the way it happened. For it even happening at all. You have to know that wasn’t one of my prouder moments when you saw me at The House. I was . . . embarrassed. That certainly wasn’t the way I would have wanted to tell you.”
“You didn’t intend to tell me at all,” he said dryly.
She grimaced and then slowly shook her head. “No. How could I? You were Carson’s best friend. I thought your loyalties would be with him. I imagined if you knew, you wouldn’t approve. And I couldn’t bear your disapproval, Dash. I couldn’t lose you. Not over something so . . .”
She trailed off, obviously unsure of the word to describe her wants and needs. He leaned forward, catching her gaze and holding it.
“First of all, I hope we’ve gotten past your fear of my disapproval. Secondly, your desires aren’t meaningless, Joss. They’re who you are. They make you who you are, and you can’t change that. Not for me. Not for anyone. You shouldn’t have to. I understand why you suppressed that part of yourself while you were married to Carson. I get that. But honey, he’s gone. You said it best. He’s not coming back, and there’s no reason for you to continue denying your wants and needs, who you are and what you are. Even if I weren’t who I am, I would never expect you to be anything but who and what you want to be. But as we share the same needs and desires, it’s my hope that we can forge ahead and discover a new world . . . together.”
She swallowed visibly and then leaned back, running a hand through her silky hair. “So what happens next, Dash? I was being honest when I said I’m without a map. Now that I’ve gotten to this point, admitted to myself and to you what I want and need, what do we do?”
He smiled and then because he could no longer stand the distance between them, he got up and slid onto the couch next to her. It was a compulsion to touch her now that he could. After so long of keeping neutrality between them, the door was finally open. They were embarking down a path there was no returning from.
Regardless of whether things worked out long term for them, there was never any going back to the easygoing friendship they’d maintained for so many years. Part of Dash embraced it wholeheartedly while another part of him feared irreparable damage between them. Of opening a rift that could never be mended.
It was a risk he was willing to take, even if it required the utmost caution. By nature he was cautious. All the risk he incurred was in his business life. His personal life had always been carefully ordered, strictly maintained. His dominance exerted itself, and he always kept his emotions and actions in check. Except when it came to Joss. She brought out another side to him, one never seen or experienced by others.
She made him want to throw caution to the wind and revel in the storm.
Never had he imagined that the part of him he feared she couldn’t accept was the one thing she wanted the most. He’d always assumed that he’d have to suppress his natural tendencies if he wanted any chance with her. Never would he have dreamed that she’d not only accept it—and him—but that she would overtly seek it out.
He didn’t know whether it made him the luckiest bastard alive, or perhaps the most stupid. Only time—and Joss—would tell.
If only he had a window into the future. Just a glimpse down the road to see if this thing between them flourished and thrived. Then he’d know if he was making the right choice for them both.
But no, there was no looking into the future. Nothing but here and now and his instincts and heart’s desire to guide him. He just prayed for the wisdom to differentiate between what he craved most and what she actually wanted and needed.