I grew up on this land, and though I’ve been other places in the world, this is still the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. As much as I hate the city, and being out here is great, it does get lonely a lot. These guys who work with me every day are the backbone of this ranch, but it’s not the same as having a family of my own.
That’s the reason I wanted to do the mail-order bride thing in the first place. I thought that I could use someone to make this more of a home. Bring the ranch together and make it into something I couldn’t. Sure, I could run this farm blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back. But it doesn’t give it the soul of a real home. That is something only a woman could do, and I thought marrying someone who was in it for the same reasons would make things easier. More straight-cut. No lines to blur, and everything in black and white. Hell, I even had the kitchen redone so that it would be perfect for my new bride.
But last night I tossed and turned thinking about what I was going to do with a wife, and I decided to just cancel the whole damn thing. I got up just before dawn and was going to talk to Earl about it, but one of the fences had broken and we had to get straight to work. It got late before I had a second to think and by then I just told him to go tell her to get back on the train and go back home. I just said to tell her that I’d changed my mind. I didn’t want to admit to Earl or to myself that deep down I was just afraid. Afraid of what it would mean to have a wife. What if she didn’t like me? What if she resented me for working on the land so much and not giving her enough of my time? I don’t want to disappoint anyone, and I had a feeling I’d be doing that a lot. I have no clue what to do with a wife.
As I put my Stetson back on and climb down off the fence, I see Earl riding up on his horse. When he gets close, he climbs off and walks over.
“Did you take care of it?” I ask, waiting to see if he sent back the bride.
“Yes. It’s taken care of,” he says, walking past me over to where some of the guys are still working on the last of the fencing.
I feel a pang of disappointment hit my chest as I think about her going back home. We didn’t talk much beforehand, just a few short emails, but Clare sounded like a nice lady, and I’m surprised at how sad I feel at not getting to meet her. It would have been for convenience and she would have just been like another hired hand on the farm, but something inside me feels regret at the decision.
Shaking it off, I try not to think about it. It was the right decision, and I’m sure I’ll be over it soon enough. There are far too many chores that need to be done for me to sit and think about my choice and how wrong it might have been.
It’s the heat of the afternoon, and this is when we do the work in the barn and try to keep out of the sun as much as we can. This ranch was handed down in my family and after my mom and dad passed, it went to me. I’ve been helping run it since I was old enough to walk, so I know every inch of this place. My parents had been young when they took over from my grandparents. I think they had plans to have a mess of kids to help out, but after my mom had me they weren’t able to have any more. I’d had dreams of having a big family, too, but I never got around to finding time to get a wife. Somewhere inside me I’d always wanted what my parents had, but I thought what they had was rare. People don’t find that kind of love every day, but I dreamed that if I ever did, I’d want as many kids as possible to love and play with and teach them all about our land.
We go into one of the barns, and I check on the chickens as the guys give them grain and gather eggs. We’ve got another barn for the cows and pigs, and then we’ve got horses and cattle, too. There’s not much we don’t grow or raise on our own out here, and I like it that way. We make money off the big cattle. Raising them and then selling them for their beef. It’s good money, and even though it’s a lot of work, it’s worth it.
We use a section of the farm for growing crops, but that’s just for us. It’s not for making money. I like knowing we are self-sustaining out here for the most part, and we don’t have to run into town for every little thing we need.
There are about fifteen guys who work for me full time out here, and they all live on the farm as well. The big house is for eating meals and holding meetings, but I’m the only one who lives in it. There are two other big buildings on the farm where the men stay. They’re fixed up really nice. Everybody has their own space, and they keep to themselves when they’re not working. One of the foremen on the farm even has a couple of goats that he keeps as pets, and another has a couple of sheep. The sheep should be having lambs soon, and it will be nice to have some new babies around the farm.
I stop on my way to my horse and think about babies for a second. What it would mean if I didn’t have any of my own to take over the farm if something happened to me. And how it would feel not being able to have a family of my own. I shake the thought off as I climb onto my horse and ride to the west side of the land. I want to ride the fence line and recheck after the fiasco we had this morning. The thing about this much land is, you’re alone a lot, and I’m not sure I should be alone with my thoughts right now. I’ve already been contemplating too much today on the fact that I sent Clare away and what that means. Hell, I should be kicking my own ass right about now, but it’s getting late, and I’ve got to figure out getting a cook or something to feed everyone. We’ve been taking turns doing the cooking, and tonight’s Earl’s night. He’s the best foreman I’ve got, but damn if that man can’t cook for shit.