“It smells good, Martina. And I’m really tempted. But I’m going to be late for work if I’m not careful.”
“Who’s going to keep you company when I’m gone?” MacKenzie asked. “You’re going to be all alone.”
"What are you talking about, MacKenzie?" I squatted down in front of her. "Where is this coming from, talking about when you're gone? The summer is a long way away."
MacKenzie shrugged, averted her gaze. "I don't know," she said.
I put my hands on her arms. "I promise I'll think about a horse," I said. "But we only just moved here and got settled in. I know you've been having a hard time adjusting to Vegas, and it might seem like getting a horse will make everything easier, but I don't know that it will. We need to get adjusted before we think about anything like that."
MacKenzie sighed. "I don't want you to be sad again."
Shit.
That was the last fucking thing MacKenzie needed to worry about, at her age. After all the shit she had already had to deal with, with losing her mom.
I squatted down in front of her, my face close to hers. “MacKenzie,” I said. “You don’t need to worry about your old man. The summer is a long way off, and I'll be just fine here when you're visiting grandma. Horse or no horse."
"Are you sure you're going to be okay when I'm gone?" she asked.
"Kiddo, I am going to miss you like crazy. But I’m going to be just fine,” I lied. I didn't want to think about her leaving for the summer. It hurt to think about it, her going back to Puerto Rico, but I knew she missed her grandmother immensely. I knew she was having a hard time adjusting. We'd started seeing a therapist, and the therapist said it was normal to have difficulty, but that MacKenzie was exhibiting signs of depression.
I made a mental note to ask the therapist if she thought the horse would help her. I'd do whatever it took to help her adjust. Hell, if I needed to buy a horse to do it, I'd buy that kid a horse. She'd been through too much already.
And then, on top of all the shit that had happened, to have her mention that she was worried about me and whether or not I'd be okay next summer...that just killed me. It wasn't right. It sure as shit wasn't normal that a kid would have to be worried about whether or not her dad was okay.
"Enough worrying about your old man, kid,” I said. “I miss your mom like crazy, and I know you do too. But I’m not sad like I was before. Okay? You don’t have to worry about me.”
I kept my voice calm, bright.
Reassuring.
At least I hoped I sounded more assured than I felt.
Because, the truth was, I sure as shit didn't feel calm or bright. Things weren't the same without April. For MacKenzie or for me.
I looked up to see Martina studying me carefully, her lips pursed and her brow furrowed. She obviously wasn’t sure about me either. I couldn’t exactly blame her. I tried to keep shit together, but I think sometimes she saw through the cracks in the facade.
“Okay, dad,” MacKenzie said. “We can talk about a horse later. Can I watch TV now?"
I smiled. Conversation over. Crisis averted.
“After your homework is done,” I said. “For an hour.”
“My homework is totally done already! So I can watch TV, right?” She raced toward the living room without waiting for a response.
“No!” I yelled, as I turned to leave. “Martina will check your homework first!”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Holder, I’ve got her,” Martina said.
“Thank you, Martina,” I said. “This shouldn’t take that long anyway.” I called out to MacKenzie as I walked into the garage. “Love you, Mac!”
“Yeah, dad,” she said, dismissing me.
The door closed behind me, and I let out a sigh. She didn't want me to be sad again. I made a mental note to tell the therapist about that. I needed to earn her confidence in me as a father. I made a vow that, above anything else, I would do that. I would her feel safe. I would make her feel confident in me.
~ ~ ~
MacKenzie's voice shook me back to reality, and I tried to shake off the memory. Instead, it sat with me, weighty on my mind, even as MacKenzie talked about how well school was going.
"Okay, daddy," she said. "I have to go. It's time for dinner."
"I love you, MacKenzie," I said. "Always."
"Totally, dad," she said. Then she paused. "Thanks for letting me come here."
"You're welcome, baby." I said the words, even as it gutted me to hear that from her. I wanted her happy, but hearing her so happy to be away from me, it just made me feel more and more like a failure as a father.
"Love you daddy," she said. "Got to go."
She hung up before I could say the words back to her, but I spoke them to the empty house as I heard the call end. "I love you, too."
Later, much later, I sat in the bedroom, wallowing in my bullshit guilt and rage. I'd replayed things over and over in my head, convinced that at some point I could have changed things, done things differently, made it so that April hadn't have been killed.