So it seemed natural, having him back, having him happy to see me, having him say it straight then act on the fact that he wanted us to stay connected this time.
We just, both of us, slid right into where we used to be.
Like real friends. Like the friends we once were.
So I answered, “I talked to him this morning, said I needed a bit of space but I wanted him to come over on the weekend. Then I’m breaking up with him.”
A moment, before, “How’d he feel about the space comment?”
“He didn’t seem pleased,” I gave him my understatement.
“I bet,” Jacob muttered, knowing it was an understatement.
We were conversing but he wasn’t giving me anything.
So I pressed for it.
“Okay, I laid that out and you haven’t said anything. You’re a guy. Is this something you’d do? The ring thing. I mean, is he being sweet and I’m just being weird?”
“Guy’s a dick and he’s a moron and he’s into you, Emme, too much. That feels wrong, smothering, creepy, you get the f**k out,” Jacob answered.
There was no way to misinterpret that and he was right about the last part. The first parts, I felt it necessary to say something.
“He’s actually not a dick or a moron, Jacob. But he is kinda into me, well… too much.”
That also was an understatement.
“Thought I was somethin’ else when he met me yesterday, called you on it right in front of me. Didn’t shake my hand, tried to break it. That’s a dick. That’s a moron.”
I didn’t know about the hand-shaking thing but I wasn’t surprised. That seemed a Dane thing to do.
But when Dane went weird about Jacob, that ticked me off.
Then again, Dane going weird around guys tended to happen a lot so I tended to get ticked off a lot which was one of the reasons why, even though he was usually sweet, not hard on the eyes and it felt nice that he was way into me, I wasn’t so sure about him.
That and him being… off.
I put my elbow on my desk and my head in my hand, mumbling, “Oh God, now I have to break up with him.”
“Do it on neutral ground then walk away. Or have me over, open your door to him, tell him it’s over, close the door. He knocks again, I answer.”
I blinked at my desk. “You’d do that?”
“Fuck yeah, Emme. Guy’s a moron and a dick. No tellin’ what he’ll do. So you break the news on neutral ground with people around and then get the f**k away from him or you do it when I’m over.”
“I can’t… I mean.…” I stammered. “I can’t believe you’d do that, honey. That’s so nice.”
“Today’s Thursday,” Jacob declared. “I got a lot of shit to do, put him off ’til Sunday and I’ll be sure I’m around.”
So, so nice.
But, this brought me to my next problem. I’d done what my father would call shitting where I lived. This was one reason I’d put Dane off since he’d asked me out the first time about three days after I got back to work after I’d been hospitalized. Now I had to work with him after I broke up with him. Work with him as in be his boss.
“Emme? Baby?” Jacob called.
Thoughts of breaking up with Dane exited my head instantly.
Baby.
What was that?
Jacob had said that several times since we reconnected and each time he said it, it felt like a physical touch. A good one. An affectionate one.
A sexy one.
Jacob had never been sexy toward me.
Ever.
He was my then–best friend’s boyfriend, of course. But he’d never even flirted in a casual way.
He’d called me “babe” before, a lot (even though Elsbeth didn’t like it). He’d also called me “honey” sometimes (and Elsbeth didn’t like that either).
But baby?
“Emme,” he growled, his voice rougher and getting impatient.
He’d also never growled at me.
It was hot.
I didn’t need to think of Jacob as hot, or not hotter than he naturally exuded simply being Jacob.
“I’m here. I’m freaking but I’m here,” I told him.
“It’ll be okay,” he assured, growl gone, his deep voice was again smooth.
“I work with him, Jacob.”
“Yeah, that probably wasn’t your usual smart,” he murmured.
I closed my eyes, plopped back in my desk chair and groaned, “Ugh.”
“You’re an adult, he’s an adult. You both suck it up and act like adults. I know you can do that. He can’t, you find a reason to fire him.”
I shot up and cried, “Jacob! I can’t do that. This is his livelihood.”
“He shoulda thought of that before he asked out the boss then creeped her out.”
This was true.
I straightened my spine and declared, “Okay, I’ve just decided I’m taking this one step at a time. I’ll tell him to come around Sunday. I’ll break up with him. I’ll ask him if we can behave like adults at work. And then I’ll call you for another strategy session if he’s unable to do that.”
He had another smile in his voice when he replied, “Sounds like a plan.”
“Yeah,” I agreed then I called his name like we weren’t talking on the phone.
“I’m here, Emme.”
My voice had dipped low again when I shared, “This is cool, having this back. Having you back. Thanks for making it easy and taking us right back to where we left off.”
That got me nothing and that was unusual. Jacob could be verbally and physically affectionate, and after I said what I just said, the Jacob I knew would say something gruff or funny, but whatever it was, he’d say something to make me know he liked what I said.
Therefore, I asked, “Have I lost you?”
“We’ll talk tonight about where I’m takin’ us,” he said as answer and I froze solid, staring unseeing at my desk blotter.
Where I’m takin’ us.
Us.
What on earth did that mean?
Were we an us?
“Now, babe, gotta go. I’ll be at your place tonight at five,” he said.
“I… okay,” I replied, still reeling from what he said before. “Do you need me to text you directions?”
“Everyone in town knows your pad but a big giveaway of how to get to it is that it’s called Canard Mansion and it’s on Canard Lane and there’s only one house on Canard Lane, your house, so I reckon I can find my way.”
That erased the weirdness of before and I laughed quietly as I replied, “I forgot about your awesome mental powers so I’ll let them lead you to me.”
He had quiet laughter in his voice too when he said, “Right. Later, Emme.”
“ ’Bye, Jacob. And thanks for your guy advice.”
“Anytime, baby.”
Baby.
I was still dealing with that when he rang off.
I looked back out the window into the yard.
Dane was gone.
I sighed.
Things Jacob said last night made me realize that I’d said yes to a date with Dane because I’d been sick, I’d unconsciously reflected on my life and how I was living it, and I decided to live it differently.
I’d always liked my life and tended to gravitate toward solitude. I was close to my family, had a small cadre of friends who were all real, true friends, even Elsbeth had been a true friend (just, in the end, a stupid one). But I didn’t mind being alone.
It was being sick alone that made me feel lonely.
I’d felt loss before. When Elsbeth broke up with Jacob then I broke up with her because she did. I hadn’t realized what a big part of my life they were, including Jacob. How I’d have them over to dinner just to get a chance to talk to him. How I’d pop by their place on the off chance I’d see him. How I’d be the first one to their parties and the last one to leave because I liked spending time with him.
When he was gone, and even before, when he got distant (and I knew that was Elsbeth, I didn’t know why, but she could be weirdly jealous), I felt that loss.
Acutely.
But nothing was worse than being sick, really sick, and going it alone.
Not that I wanted to share my exhaustion and vomiting with someone I loved.
Just that it highlighted how really alone I was. Especially up here, away from family and friends.
I loved the mountains, jumped at the chance to move here, something new, a change. I didn’t know why I did but it just came when I was ready for it.
And it seemed I’d found my calling, not the lumberyard, where I had to admit I enjoyed working. Being the boss didn’t suck and my dad being my boss didn’t suck either, seeing as he loved me and always believed I could do just about anything.
My calling was my house, which I took one look at, saw what was under all the mess and fell in love.
But after I was sick, I made changes I hadn’t really even noticed were changes. They just came naturally. New hair because I’d gone so long without a cut. New clothes because I’d lost so much weight.