She sighed and rolled over on her back and stared up at the ceiling. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she find satisfaction? Why was she so afraid to push for more?
“Faith, I’ve been thinking.”
She turned her head back to John. Panic hit her square in the chest. Surely nothing good ever came of a man saying he’d been thinking. Men just didn’t think, and they certainly weren’t prone to expressing those thoughts over pillow talk.
He shifted until he lay on his side facing her.
“I’ve been thinking too, John,” she blurted.
He raised his eyebrow. “You first.”
She rose up on her elbow and stared nervously down at him. Her mind raced to come up with a coherent way to put what she wanted to say.
“Why don’t you plan our date tomorrow night? You decide what we’ll do, where to eat. And maybe afterwards we could come back here, and you could…I don’t know, tie me up, or do something kinky. Basically whatever you want to do. Your choice.”
What a disaster. Could she have stated it any more awkwardly? She bit her lip as she waited for his response.
His eyes widened. Was that surprise or was it excitement?
“Uhm, I’m not sure I follow,” he said uneasily.
Definitely not excitement.
“I want you to take charge,” she said softly.
He sat up in bed and rubbed his head. “Faith, where on earth did this come from?”
Her cheeks burned, and she swallowed. God, she felt stupid. Nothing like sending a man running in the opposite direction.
“Are you unhappy with the way things are? Is that what you’re trying to say?” he asked.
She thought about lying and backtracking. It’s what she’d done in the last relationship. And the one before that. But that wasn’t getting her anywhere.
“I wouldn’t say unhappy. Exactly.”
“Then what would you say?” he prompted.
“I’m not satisfied,” she said quietly.
“You mean sexually?”
She looked up to see him staring intently at her, irritation lighting his eyes.
“No. It’s not just about the sex, John. If it was, maybe I could deal with it. It’s more than that. I want…I want a man who can take charge. Make decisions. Be…in control. And not just in the bedroom.”
“And I’m not that man.”
She twisted her fingers together, bending and squeezing. “You haven’t been.”
He cursed softly under his breath. “You want me to change?”
She gazed sadly at him. “No. That’s not fair. To you or me. I guess…I guess I just hoped maybe you could be that man.”
“Damn it, Faith, you make it sound like it’s over between us. What is this? Some fantasy you want me to act out? I can do that. I mean if you mean role playing, but it doesn’t sound like you want a temporary situation.”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t. I want—no, I need this. And that’s the thing. There have been men who would be more than willing to spend a night playing the dominant male, but it ends there. I don’t want it to end.” She leaned forward, willing him to understand. “Does that make sense?”
He scrubbed a hand over his face and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Yeah, it makes sense.”
She reached out to touch him, and he flinched away from her. “I don’t know what to say. Are you angry?”
A harsh sound escaped his lips as he blew his breath out in a rush. “No. Yes. Hell, I don’t know. I feel like you dropped a damn anvil on my head.”
He reached out and cupped her chin in his hand. He stroked his thumb over her cheek as he stared into her eyes. “I knew…I knew something wasn’t right between us. I didn’t expect this, but I knew you weren’t as happy as you could be. Or should be. I want you to be happy, Faith. Hell, I want me to be happy. And I guess we just don’t do it for each other.”
He quirked one corner of his mouth up in a semblance of a grin, and she relaxed.
“You weren’t satisfied either,” she accused.
His smile turned into a rueful grin. “I guess I won’t get into trouble for saying no then.”
She flopped back onto the bed and let out a giggle. “Don’t we make a good pair. Lying here naked after sex, breaking up.”
He leaned over her, his expression serious. “You’re a terrific woman, Faith. I’d hoped for more between us, and I admire the guts it took for you to tell me what you wanted.”
“So you don’t think I’m a perverted sicko?”
“No, but I want you to promise me you’ll be careful. A lot of men out there would take advantage of the type of situation you want. They wouldn’t have your pleasure or best interests at heart.”
“Thanks, John,” she said softly as she reached up to touch his face.
He bent and kissed her cheek before sliding out of bed to get dressed.
Faith sat behind her desk at Malone and Sons Security and nibbled absently at her pencil. The office was quiet today. Pop and the others were out on a job bid with the new guy, and she was left to ponder alone. Never a good thing.
John had left the night before instead of staying over as he usually would. But then breaking up had a way of pushing a man out of bed. She could console herself with the fact that apparently, he’d been as unsatisfied with her as she had with him, so she doubted he was suffering a broken heart.
She, on the other hand, was well on her way to major funkdom. Maybe she had been too subtle. Too afraid. Too ashamed of her needs and desires. It certainly wasn’t something she’d ever discuss with her girlfriends, not that she had many. They’d probably vote to kick her out of the league of women upon hearing just what it was Faith wanted in a man.
Last night had been the first time she’d actually voiced the dark desires floating around in her head. Not that she’d gone into any great detail. Just the brief mention had made her cheeks burn with embarrassment.
But that had to end. Now.
Subtlety was not her friend. It wasn’t getting her anywhere with the men she’d been involved with. Hinting and hoping wasn’t the way. No, she had to be more proactive. More forceful. If she didn’t make it clear what she wanted, then how could she ever expect to get it?
The ringing phone interrupted her melancholy train of thought, and she reached gratefully for it.