“What?” She forced her hands into her lap because her first instinct had been to reach for him.
“I put everything I had into Church Software Development,” he said, the words quiet but sure. “But I couldn’t do it all myself. I needed a CFO. I trusted the wrong man. He embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from me, but worse than that, he took investment money that I didn’t know about. He defrauded investors in my name. They decided that since he’d skipped the country, they would come after me. At that point, the DA hadn’t made a decision on whether or not I was involved. The day I asked Keith to take care of you, I thought I might be going to prison and I couldn’t involve you in that.”
Her head was reeling. “I had no idea.”
“I didn’t want you to know.” He leaned forward, his hand coming up as though reaching out for her. He stopped himself and forced his hand back into his pocket. “Baby, you have to forgive me. I wanted what was best for you. I had to let you go. It nearly killed me to watch you get into that car.”
It hadn’t hurt him enough to not do it. Even as his explanation rang in her ears, she found a deeper hurt. He had cared for her in his own way. Somehow it had almost been easier when she’d thought he’d viewed her as an easy companion and nothing more. But if he’d really loved her and he’d still sent her away, that was even worse. But they had to find some closure. Neither of them could go on like this forever. “I forgive you.”
“You do?”
She had to. He’d thought he was doing the right thing. They just had two completely different versions of how a relationship should work. “I do. I understand why you did it.”
He crossed the space between them in an instant. Before she could protest, she was in his arms. He pulled her hard against his chest, his fingers going straight for her hair. “God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that. Baby, I’ve missed you so much.”
His lips were against hers. Sweet intimacy. It had been so long since she’d had the comfort and solace of a body against her own. His fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her head back gently as his tongue played against her lips until she couldn’t handle it and she invited him in. Everything inside her responded to him. Her nipples hardened. Her muscles softened. Her pussy got wet, aching. She felt her arms drifting up around his shoulders, holding on to him.
His tongue surged in, dominating hers in a silky dance. Over and over he took her mouth as his hands clutched her like he would never let her go.
But he had. The memory sparked through her brain. Ryan walking into their bedroom. At the beginning of their relationship, she’d had her own room, but that had lasted about two weeks before that fine suite was nothing but a closet and she spent every night in his bed. Once he’d worked late and she’d gotten into her own bed because she had a cold and didn’t want to disturb him. She’d woken up to him carrying her into their bed and setting up a humidifier, and he’d gotten the cold two days later and she’d had to take care of him. How could he walk into their bedroom and calmly tell her that now she belonged to someone else?
She pushed at his chest. She couldn’t do it again. She could never sit there like a hollowed-out doll while he tossed her away. “No.”
Ryan’s hands still held her as though he was afraid of letting go. “Jillian, baby, you said you forgave me.”
And like the predator he was, he’d sensed weakness and gone straight for the kill. “I forgave you. I didn’t say I wanted to be with you again. Let me go.”
His eyes ran the length of her body. “Do you think I can’t feel how aroused you are? Do you think I don’t know the signs? Your nipples are hard, your eyes sleepy. You were sinking your fingers into my flesh and rubbing yourself against me. How can you say you don’t want me?”
“Oh, you did a great job teaching me how good sex could be so, yeah, I responded, but that doesn’t mean that I want to get involved with you again. Please let me go.” She hated how breathy her voice sounded. She didn’t sound confident, very likely because she wasn’t. It would be so easy to let Ryan take over. She wouldn’t have to worry about anything for a while. He really would take charge.
And she would get dependent on him and when the bad times rolled around, he would foist her off on someone else because it was fine for him to take care of her, just not the other way around.
How could he really love her if he didn’t want her standing beside him when times got rough? Because they damn straight would.
Slowly, he released her, his eyes boring into hers. “I love you, Jillian.”
Just not enough. “I can’t be with you again, Ryan.”
He leaned back. “You’re scared. I’m not going to do that to you again. I’ve learned my lesson. I was arrogant and foolish, but you were wrong too.”
“How the hell was I wrong?”
“God, I wish I still had the right to spank you. How were you wrong? You failed to do the one thing you promised.”
What was he talking about? “I was practically the perfect submissive. I was everything you needed me to be.”
He shook his head. “No. I needed you to be honest. If I didn’t give you the chance to stand by me, then you did the same thing to me. You didn’t tell me what you really needed.”
Yes, because that would have been so easy. “And if I’d told you I needed you to marry me? If I’d told you I needed to have an equal say in our lives?”
His voice was steady as he spoke and he looked straight into her eyes. “Anywhere but the bedroom and we could negotiate. Hell, even there, I’m open.”
Sweet words. “Maybe now, but then?”
“I don’t know,” Ryan said with a long sigh. “I was a different person then, but so were you, and we owe it to each other to try again. Jillian, I’ve never felt for any other woman the way I feel for you. I’ve regretted failing you for a year and a half. It’s eaten away at me. I love you. I made a mistake, but you’re making one, too, if you don’t give it a second chance. Can you honestly say you haven’t missed me?”
Only every minute of every single day. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t trust you again.”
“I can earn your trust back.” Ryan reached out again, but he only touched her shoulder. “We’ll take things slowly. Have lunch with me. Once a week. Just give me one hour out of the week and we’ll talk. No pressure. No expectations.”