The women they had drawn to them hadn’t been ones to need the romance, or even want it.
For the first time in his life Rowdy felt helpless. Eliminating the threat to her was imperative. And he wasn’t going to lie to her. Not Kelly. She deserved more than that.
“You’re not asleep.” Her whisper was as soft as a breath.
“Neither are you.” He sighed, knowing her mind had been running as fast as his.
They hadn’t said much since that final question. She had drawn in a deep, hard breath, informed him she was going to sleep then curled into his arms, and turned out the lights. But she hadn’t gone to sleep anymore than he had.
“Why do you do it?” she finally asked. He didn’t have to ask what she was talking about. It was a question he had hoped she wouldn’t ask. Yet he had known she would.
He slid his hand from her hip to her stomach, feeling the muscles flutter beneath his palm.
“A man’s pleasure comes from his woman’s,” he whispered. “Because we learned how much better it can be for a woman when no part of her body is neglected. Because we learned as young men how much easier it is to protect what’s ours when we work together. Hell, Kelly, I could give you a thousand reasons and none of them would really make sense. Because it’s who we are, what we are.”
“Will it end?” He knew where she was going, what she would eventually ask.
“Only if you want it to. My needs aren’t more important than yours. It won’t be every time. It won’t be an either-or.”
She was silent for long moments. He closed his eyes, grimacing in painful awareness of the can of worms he had opened.
“And when they find the women they want for their own? What then?”
“It’s not an either-or,” he repeated. “I’ll do nothing you can’t live with, Kelly. Ever.”
“But you’ll want to.” Her voice lowered further. “If Dawg or Natches found a woman they wanted for their own, then you’d want to be a part of it, wouldn’t you, Rowdy?”
“I wouldn’t miss being a part of it, anymore than you would miss their touch after having had it.” There was no way to reassure her, and God knew he wanted to.
He felt her flinch against him.
“You would touch another woman?”
“I would never do anything that would jeopardize us.” That wasn’t acceptable. “Ever. Not at any time.”
As he stared into the darkness, he thought of her touch, her kiss. Could he touch another woman? At any time?
“So it would be my choice?”
“It would be your choice.”
“But you would still want to.” It wasn’t a question.
“I don’t know.” He couldn’t lie to her. He wouldn’t lie to her, even though he was terrified of losing her.
He caressed her abdomen as he held her, as silence filled the room once again.
“This might not work.” Her voice trembled with an awareness of what she might be looking at. “I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I could handle your need to do it.”
He sighed heavily into her hair, drawing her closer, knowing he could be risking both their hearts with the hungers that tormented him. It was the reason he had left four years before, the reason he couldn’t begin this relationship with anything less than the truth.
“I can live without it,” he told her softly. “I don’t know if I could live without you, Kelly. Not now. Not after the years I’ve spent needing you. I’ll give you everything I am, as much as you want. That’s all I can do.”
She turned to him then, her soft gray eyes dark in the dim light of the room as he stared into the shadowed expanse of her face.
“The first time…”
He closed his eyes. “However you want it.”
Bonding came in so many ways. He would have had Dawg and Natches there, but he wouldn’t push her. He couldn’t push her. Not now.
“You want them there.”
His eyes flew open at the soft statement.
“I want them there,” he affirmed, knowing her safety demanded nothing less. He ignored the possessiveness raging inside him. “Kelly, I want everything for you, and I know that’s hard to understand. The first time, it’s special for a woman. It begins a bonding with her lover, one that never really dies. It’s why I’ve never taken a virgin, never fooled with a woman who didn’t know the score, until you.”
He felt the shiver that raced over her, the little tremor of fear, or response, he wasn’t certain.
“You want me to have that, with them?” The uncertainty in her voice, the edge of hurt broke his heart.
“Kelly, listen to me.” He framed the side of her face with his hand, his thumb smoothing over her cheek. “I’m not going to do a damned thing that’s going to hurt you or make you uncomfortable. Baby, it won’t be good for me, or for Dawg and Natches, if it isn’t something you want with everything inside you. This is your choice. The perception of it isn’t.”
“But you want it,” she said fiercely.
“Don’t make excuses.” He could feel it in her then, the need to have the choice taken from her, to be seduced. “I’m not making them and I won’t let you. Think about it, Kelly. Decide what you want, what you need. I’m not a kid, and you’ve known me too long to be able to fool yourself about me. You’ve known, you wanted to sugarcoat it, pretend it wasn’t real, but you knew. Now decide what you want, because I won’t make that decision for you. Not now, not ever. I love you, baby, but I can’t love you enough for both of us.”
He felt her then, her fingers moving against his chest, leaving a path of fire in their wake as they smoothed over his chest.
“Can you do anything without your cousins?” she asked. “Or do you need their help all the time, Rowdy? Maybe you’re the one making excuses.”
Damn. Her fingers were at his abdomen now, her nails raking over his flesh, tracing the skin above the waistband of his sweatpants.
Impetuous. Defiant. An adventure. That was Kelly.
His hand trapped hers, holding it still against him, his eyes narrowing on her in the darkness.
“Anywhere but here,” he growled. “Now go to sleep, minx. I’ll be damned if I’ll have our parents hearing us in here screwing our brains out. I’m right fond of keeping my private parts intact if it’s all the same to you.”