My heart almost pounds out of my chest as I think of her carrying my child. I’m fucking terrified at the idea but also oddly fascinated. I spent most of the time Cassie was pregnant trying to talk her off one ledge or another. She freaked out when she found out she was pregnant and immediately wanted an abortion. One of the reasons I proposed to her was to try to settle her down. She was so convinced the baby was a mistake and it would ruin her life. In hindsight, maybe she knew more than I did. I couldn’t stand the thought of her aborting my child, so I did my best each day to assure her that I loved her and everything would be wonderful once the baby was born. She just had to hold on for nine months and then I would do everything for her and the baby.
Her doctor had taken her off the bi-polar medication that she’d been taking for years. That was tricky for a month, but she seemed to return to her normal self, which while not pleasant was at least predictable. I should have known when her usual threats stopped and she instead seemed almost blissfully peaceful that something was wrong. Maybe it lulled me into a false sense of security, and I wasn’t as observant as I should have been.
Lia stirs, her eyes blinking open. She gasps as she sees me standing there, looking panicked for a moment before seeming to recognize me. “I’m sorry for frightening you, baby,” I say as I move to her and drop to my knees on the floor in front of the couch. We stare at each other for a long moment. When her nose wrinkles slightly, I can tell she smells the alcohol on me.
“Are you all right?” she asks quietly.
Instead of answering her question, I lean closer to her body and place my head gently on her flat stomach. I feel her breath catch as she freezes. Finally, she relaxes under me and her hand goes to my head, digging into my hair. I moan as she strokes my scalp, giving me comfort even though I’ve been an ass to her tonight. “I’m sorry,” I say, giving her the apology she deserves. I don’t want her to feel as if she needs to keep things from me because I’ll freak out; she doesn’t deserve that from me.
Her hand tightens in my hair, and I wince at the sting but remain silent. “When you left tonight, I was surprised by your reaction. I mean, I know neither of us is ready for a baby, but I wasn’t expecting you to be that upset. I’ll be honest and say that none of this has really seemed real to me until you slammed out the door.”
“Lia…” I begin, wanting to comfort her.
“No, Luc, let me finish please.” I remain quiet while she gathers her thoughts. “We’re probably needlessly upsetting ourselves about something that will not even happen, but it made me think.” Her hand begins moving in my hair once again, as if trying to soothe me as she says, “Luc, I can’t take that pill. This might sound crazy, but all I keep thinking is if I do, then how am I any better than my mother is? According to what I read on the internet, it’s not terminating a pregnancy because one doesn’t even exist at that point. It’s just stopping it from happening.” I grasp her leg, feeling my hand shaking as I listen to her emotional plea for me to understand. She has no idea that I not only understand her turmoil but I feel, it as well. “But…what if they’re wrong? I…I just can’t take that chance, Luc,” she says on a sob. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry because I know you don’t want this.”
“Baby, stop,” I say, pulling her from the couch and into my arms. She is crying into my chest, and it wouldn’t take much more for me to join her. She doesn’t need that now, though. She needs to hear that I understand and agree with her decision. Actually, I’m so fucking grateful that she feels the same as I do that I’m almost weak with relief. “Lia, sweetheart, listen…” I say as I pull back enough to see her face. “Baby, look at me.” She shakes her head, seeming terrified of what I’m going to say. Apparently, my earlier anger is still fresh in her mind. “Please, baby.” Tears run down her cheeks as she finally allows me to tilt her head upwards. “I understand and I agree,” I say softly as I use my thumb to wipe her tears away to no avail.
“You…you do?” She stares up at me as if she can’t believe she’s heard me correctly.
“Yes, I do. Lia…Cassie and I were going to have a baby eight years ago and she…” Fuck, why can’t I get the words out? Lia needs to know why I lost it earlier, but I just can’t tell her the full truth, not tonight. I’m too raw. “She ended his life.” Lia looks at me in something akin to horror. Her tears have stopped as she struggles to understand what I’m saying to her. There is no way she can come up with the true picture, even with the mother she had.
“Oh, Luc,” she whispers, looking as devastated as I feel. “She had an abortion without your consent?” I can’t just completely lie to her, so I pull her close without answering. In a way, that is exactly what Cassie did, only in a much more horrific manner. I don’t know why I find it so difficult to tell Lia the entire story. Maybe because I don’t want to see the pity in her eyes or even worse, I’m afraid she will see that my life is too ugly for her. Giving her pieces of my past is the coward’s way out, but right now, it’s all I’m capable of. She is carrying too much of her own baggage to assume the weight of mine, as well. We both need to be stronger before that happens.
We lay there for a while longer before we go to bed. We don’t make love, but instead we hold on to each other as if by some unspoken truth, we both know there’s a storm coming and tonight is merely the calm before it hits.
Chapter Twelve
Lia
“I need you to have Max come get me out of jail.” I turn sideways on my barstool to look at Lucian. We are having breakfast before he leaves for work. As if sensing my eyes on him, he looks up from his perusal of the morning stock report and arches a brow at me in question.
I hold up my finger, telling him to give me a minute as I ask Rose, “What have you done?” I have a bad feeling she has been continuing her crusade to make Jake pay for screwing around on her. I knew things had been entirely too quiet on that front for the last few days.
“Well…” She lowers her voice before continuing, “I might have used my key to go into his apartment while he wasn’t there and put Bengay in his shampoo and body wash. I might also have replaced all of the water in his refrigerator with white vinegar and I maybe used his iPad while I was there and sent an email to his entire contact list asking for advice on the best sexual positions for men with small penises. I even found a small pecker picture on the internet to attach so people could see the scope of the problem. Oh, and I sewed the pants legs closed on all of his jeans. I would have done more, but his roommate interrupted me…and ratted me out.”